[age allegedly comes with all manner of things: wisdom, patience, restraint. the willingness and the ability to pull in the reins, which once seemed impossible for someone as excessive as satoru—and yet here is satoru, slipping back into his own space as opposed to demanding more of suguru's. impressive, really. as suguru watches satoru settle into his seat, suguru is once again confronted by the fact that they are both different people; they have both changed, have both grown, and this is satoru both recognizing and respecting that. the line between them is legitimized.
which should be a relief—and it is, in its way, but something within suguru twists all the same.
(because what suguru always admired about satoru—what suguru liked best—was satoru's refusal to conform. oh, it could be frustrating; suguru was often the bridge, the tether, the person tasked with keeping satoru in check, but wasn't it fun to be swept up in it all? to ignore what was expected and to do what he pleased, if only for a time.)
but this new, subdued version of satoru is what suguru all but demanded in the last car, and thus suguru is forced to accept it. nothing that extreme, satoru says. of course not. maintaining a certain distance is their new "normal."
and that should make satoru's chosen prize—what? simpler? motive- and meaning-free? a hair tie is such a small thing, after all; it's certainly better than satoru requesting the prize he'd missed in the museum car, and yet, as suguru studies him for a moment, suguru considers how strangely intimate an item a hair tie is. something that is worn day in, day out; something that few are ever allowed to touch. he wonders, then, what makes this a worthwhile prize in satoru's mind: its personal nature, or the minor inconvenience it poses...
...but there is satoru's upturned hand, kept at a respectful distance.]
That's all?
[an amused exhale—a not-quite-laugh—as suguru brings a hand to the back of his head, slipping a finger beneath the tie looped about the base of his bun. it doesn't take him long at all to unwind it; a few practiced twists of his wrist and his hair is free, much of it falling forward to frame his face. it's sure to irritate suguru in a day or so, but for now, with the smallest of smiles:]
Trying out a new hairstyle to match your new outfit?
[it could be stunning. but that aside: with his hair tie now dangling from the tip of his pointer finger, suguru stretches forward, entering satoru's space to present his prize—and if suguru lingers? if he chooses not to drop the hair tie, but to press it to satoru's palm with the tips of his fingers, testing the infinity between them? that, too, is a gesture.]
He told himself it was due to the benign nature of the object — something small and noninvasive, free of the complications that come with Suguru's other, very limited belongings. He figured he'd get a little enjoyment out of seeing Suguru annoyed at his hair falling into his face whenever their paths cross. And it seemed like a harmless way to gloat, free of the tension that could arise from less subtle rewards: Satoru would wear the band around his wrist, Suguru would know it is there, and there would be no repercussions to the way Satoru occasionally hiked up his sleeve to remind him of his win.
But when Suguru reaches behind himself to remove the tie, Satoru's attention is entirely arrested by the way his hair falls free around his face. He finds himself resisting yet another impulse: the desire to reach, to touch, to tuck the strands away.
The last time Satoru saw Suguru with his hair down, Suguru breathed his last.
And maybe that's the reason behind the slight hitch in his chest as Suguru holds the tie between them — as Suguru crosses the line between them to touch. Maybe that's why Satoru's Infinity allows him in without so much as a conscious thought, inviting the contact of his finger against his palm. Maybe that's why Satoru closes his hand before Suguru can pull away, catching both the tie and his finger for a fleeting moment.
Or maybe, for all that Satoru is trying to restrain himself, he can't hold back from asking for a little more — from accepting that which Suguru is giving freely, then chasing it before it fades, seeking to prolong something that, for once, does not feel like it is plucked from the past, but born entirely of the present.
Briefly, Satoru's fingers close, and when he chooses to pull away — capturing the hair tie, but removing himself from Suguru's hand — it is less due to reining himself in than it is the fact that Suguru's touch is cold. And that, too, makes him think of the last time he saw Suguru with his hair down.]
I would...
[He speaks with as playful of a tone as ever, dropping his attention to the hair tie in the center of his palm, opening his hand to reveal the simple prize. Easier to look at the tie itself than to think of the many ways in which he could brush back the burden of unruly hair from Suguru's face. Easier to slip the tie about his wrist than to consider how the loose strands soften Suguru's features, making him appear younger.]
But where's the fun in that?
[To use the tie for its intended purpose would make it functional, a prize claimed for a reason, which takes away from the minor inconvenience of losing it. Hence, it becomes a bracelet for the foreseeable future.
Even the stupidest prizes have a cost, Satoru thinks. And when the band is snug around his wrist, he pulls it taut, then releases it, allowing it to snap against his skin. On the surface, this is as obnoxious of a move as Satoru banging his cane. But this, too, becomes a kind of reminder.
Then he holds his wrist up, still firmly behind the line that exists between them.]
I'll wear it like this.
[And only then does he meet Suguru's eyes again, that smile still on his lips, only smaller now — weakened, when he considers Suguru's hair, Suguru's touch, and the elasticity of a band stretched a little too far.]
[initiating contact is not a mindless action; there is a reason for it, though, if pressed, suguru would find it difficult to nail down. is it a test? a reward for good behavior, as patronizing as that absolutely is? the simple desire to touch? suguru would like to think it's anything but—and yet, as satoru's fingers loosely close over his own, there it is: an unmistakable, undeniable spark of something, serving as both a temptation and a warning. ah.
even the smallest indulgences are dangerous, as suguru well knows. they are often the start to something larger, a snowball that grows and grows and grows as it rolls, unchecked, down a steep hill—but suguru sets his sense to the side, for the moment. ignores all that he expects of himself in order to do what seems, feels, fitting, because satoru once again let him in; the least suguru can do is stay.
(while thinking, stupidly, of how easy it would be to twist his hand, fingers finding their way between satoru's. another gesture; a far more meaningful one, at that, but the price is too high, too high.)
satoru, however, remains the responsible one, releasing suguru's fingers after only a few seconds. the briefest touch, as if this is a re-do of, or an apology for, seizing suguru's hand in camp—and suguru should be pleased; he supposes that he is, on some level, but as he draws his hand back to his side of the table, he glances down at it, wondering if this exchange was a step forward or a step back.
but it isn't over, is it? even as he watches satoru slide his prize over his wrist, suguru knows that everything has looped back to him—because there is something almost vulnerable about satoru, now. a sadness that suguru can sense, thanks to his ring, but he never needed that in the past; he could read satoru as easily as anything.
and some things are better left alone; maybe this—them—is one of them, but suguru considers the difference between closing this door between them or leaving it ajar. he could easily do either, depending on how he'd like to move forward; all it would take is the right (or wrong) words.
so.]
Don't break it.
[a mild chide as suguru places his elbow upon the table, resting his chin in the hand that satoru was (almost) holding a few seconds before. satoru's smile shrinks; suguru's smile softens, just barely, before he adds:]
I still have to win it back.
[an offering, small as it is. a tentative way forward.]
Edited (i TOLD you i'd mix up their names one day) 2021-09-11 05:15 (UTC)
[Those words, coupled with that small smile, catch Satoru off guard. It isn't what he expects to hear or see, despite being privy to the occasional glimpse into Suguru's emotions — despite the way Suguru touched his palm entirely on his own accord. Maybe Satoru is, to some degree, more guarded than he was at the beginning of this arrangement; maybe he's trying to keep himself rooted because Suguru is giving when he should be withholding. The chide is familiar, but the offering that follows is as dangerous as it is wanted — or rather, dangerous because it is wanted.
Each game they play returns them to a place that neither of them are meant to occupy; it will do nothing to stave away the inevitability of the end of their arrangement. It will put them at risk. And yet, if Satoru is as honest with himself as he has vowed to be with Suguru, he has no choice but to admit that he missed this. He missed the one and only person who understood him, who complemented him, who knew exactly what to say when Satoru felt less like the strongest and more like someone who might easily crack if given a just right amount of pressure.
Determined as he is to be responsible, to keep himself from pushing too far, there's only one answer that Satoru should give in reply. If Suguru will not shut the door now, before it's too late, then it should fall on to Satoru. All business, no pleasure, no games — Satoru should slam the door shut and look away. But if their time together on this train has proven anything at all, it's that Suguru is still, to this day, Satoru's weakness. Just as the sight of Suguru's body trapped Satoru in the prison realm, these words — this way forward — traps Satoru in a mess of his own making.
He says:]
You could try...
[And playfully trails off, the implication being that he is leaving the door as open as Suguru — that he will accept this tentative way forward, even if this path will prove painful.
Because that soft smile, the way that Suguru looks at him, the tone in which he delivers that comment — it reminds Satoru what it is like to be seen, known, and understood.
After that, the evening stretches on. Satoru eats his questionable meal, plays with Sprinkles, and takes up space in the small shack. Once night falls upon them and it comes time to rest, Satoru decides to stay. The atmosphere between him and Suguru is better after their game and subsequent prize exchange, and he really should rest, considering that this car promises to drain his energy quicker than the others, given the monsters and threats that lurk about. And failing to rest not only means that he could run out of energy, but also that he'll be at risk for contracting the mysterious illness plaguing this car. Rest is more important than ever.
For both of them. Suguru's well-being is also on Satoru's mind, and that's why he decides to mess around with the Happy Home app himself. It's safest for Satoru to stay in the same building as Suguru so he's protected while his technique is down, but it isn't wise for either of them to sleep on the cold floor without sufficient bedding. He therefore attempts to make a shelter of his own so he can bring a mattress, blankets, and any other useful furniture to Suguru's shack.
When he returns ten minutes later, he's empty handed.]
The app crashed.
[And now won't work at all! There's a friendly error message about trying again later, but Satoru is skeptical. This train hasn't exactly proven to have anyone's best interests in mind.
But there's nothing he can do, given the shortages of supplies due to the illness sweeping through the car, except walk over to the bed and take inventory of the blankets and furs. There aren't enough to make a reasonable pallet on the floor, and under normal circumstances, that wouldn't be a huge deal. But with the threats of this car...]
We've got to share.
[He says it with some amusement, although he knows that situation is, once again, too much. They've only barely just repaired what was ripped open when they held hands; to indulge such close proximity again would be foolish.
But they both need to sleep. Neither of them can afford to hit a wall of exhaustion and get sick. They're in this together, and that includes relying on each other's good health.
So! Satoru tosses a pillow at Suguru, attempting to keep things easy between them despite yet another difficult choice.]
You better not snore.
[Satoru is more likely to snore, especially given how hard he'll sleep when he finally manages it, considering all the energy he has to replenish. But once again, it's easier to treat this situation as lightly as the rest.]
[funny, really, how a handful of hours can seem both too short and too long. the mood is almost comfortable? laced, of course, with the underlying tension that they can never truly escape, but as suguru listens to satoru complain about his dinner, watches satoru try (and fail) to convince this curse to perform a trick—well. compared to their last evening together—the silence heavy as they'd gone about their individual business, the distance between them strictly maintained—this is better; this could very well be the start of a far more productive partnership. the risk was worth it.
(the risk was not worth it; the mood is too comfortable; suguru has made an incalculable error, because this small indulgence will lead to others. which one will prove to be too much? who will end it, this, them?)
night, however, does fall—and with it, the temperature. the shack makes it marginally more bearable; the thin wooden walls are, apparently, good for something, but by the time satoru decides to step outside and try his luck, suguru has cast surreptitious glance after surreptitious glance toward the bed. it is far too cold for either of them to sleep on the floor, just as it is far too cold to strip many blankets and/or furs from the bed. they do indeed need more of everything...
which means, of course, that they receive absolutely nothing. suguru can't even pretend to be surprised when satoru breezes back inside a few minutes later, showing off the error message on his screen; this is simply how things seem to go for them, which is why he merely hums, nudging at the curse currently stretched out atop his feet. rest is necessary. for both of them. suguru briefly considers pulling out his own phone, just on the offhanded chance there's an option to request something new—
—but. we've got to share, satoru says, following up one bombshell with another—though the pillow is, at least, easier to catch, easier to process. suguru knows what to do with it; suguru does not know what to do with the sudden thought of lying side by side, because when is the last time he's fallen asleep next to anyone? to a fellow adult? he's been far too busy for anything more than the occasional encounter, but those are quick, impersonal; suguru never lingers.
so it's a slight uneasiness he feels, though he knows that sharing this bed is the best option—the only option—for them both. it's only logical—but as he stands, approaching the bed just to place this pillow in what he assumes will be his half of the bed, it's impossible to ignore the memories of sharing a much smaller bed, once. satoru, stealing his blankets; satoru, ignoring a sequence of alarms; satoru, clutching the hem of his shirt.
once they would have fallen into this bed with no hesitation whatsoever. a reflex, really—but now it takes effort to pull down the covers, though he manages a small, somewhat amused huff as he mentally maps out his space. he could say no, and yet, once again:]
I'll keep that in mind.
[a quiet joke, for he recognizes that satoru is also doing what he can to preserve the mood. what's difficult for one is all too frequently difficult for the other; these rings only prove what suguru already knows, so:]
You'd better not steal all the blankets. [it's like another agreement, of sorts. tit for tat! but also, as suguru gets another look at that godawful suit:] Or wear that jacket.
[sprinkles was crawling over satoru earlier, putting its dusty little caterpillar paws all over that outfit, so please, sir. cmon.]
[The ease with which Suguru catches the pillow and responds to Satoru's warning about snoring should lessen the impact of what lies before them: the single bed, the insufficient blankets, the prospect of sharing. But Satoru feels a flash of Suguru's uneasiness and it ends up fueling his own. Whereas externally, Satoru aims to lead the way here as he does most things — with confidence and levity — internally, he lurches. And for the first time since he and Suguru rejoined in this shack, Satoru thinks that wearing the ring was a mistake. He should have removed it before showing up to claim his prize, for as helpful as it may have been in reestablishing a shaky but functional comfort — an understanding of the complexities that lace each remark spoken between them — it's more difficult to maintain his momentum if he becomes intimately acquainted with Suguru's disquiet.
And it's even more challenging to maintain his good humor if the ring will betray his own lack of surety.
This should be easy. Compared to sleeping outside or sleeping on the floor, sharing a bed shouldn't give either of them pause. It's just a bed, for only one night, and Satoru is tired enough that all of the thoughts that could come with such a scenario should be easily remedied the moment he hits the pillow. But this is yet another situation that forces him to remember the past: the countless times he slept beside Suguru, the whispers spoken late into the night, and the touches meant to comfort, calm, entice.
In the space between Suguru's reply and Suguru's follow-up, Satoru's thoughts wander in the direction of a dangerous question: will there ever be a time that he remembers the past without the pain of what came after? Will he ever be able to look at Suguru without seeing the trail of blood left in his wake, the broken bodies of students, the destruction of a school?
Satoru had to harden his heart once before; now, as he fluffs his own pillow and makes room for himself in Suguru's bed, he finds it increasingly difficult to do. He knew, back when he ended Suguru's life, that Suguru was still painfully human underneath all his atrocious actions and grievous plots — but now he wears the proof around his finger, and feels his humanity keenly. And what choice does Satoru have, except to remind himself, over and over, that he can only help people who want to be saved?
Satoru leaves the ring on his finger. He grins in response to Suguru's words. He makes their bed, and then has no choice but to lie in it — because it's either that, or turning away. And for all Satoru's mistakes — for all this situation is yet another tally — that is the one thing he has never done.
Instead, Satoru seizes the diversion that Suguru provides, releasing the pillow to look down at himself, grabbing the quarters of his suit jacket as if offended.]
What's wrong with it?
[Okay, yeah, he sees the dust marks and casually attempts to wipe them away...and okay, maybe a suit jacket isn't the most ideal sleepwear option, but does Suguru really want him to mess around with the clothing app again?
Actually — Satoru decides that it is a good suggestion, because if the app gives him something even more ridiculous to wear to bed, then neither of them will be thinking about the uncomfortable scenario of sharing a bed. They'll be too distracted by the clothing disaster the app is sure to provide.
So there's no going back now! As he fishes his phone out of his pocket, Satoru glances at Suguru with a look that makes it clear that he expects this to go awry and plans on enjoying it for that reason.
It only takes a few seconds of messing around on his phone, and then!
And Satoru is visibly delighted by this result, if cold, because they aren't in the least bit appropriate pajamas for a drafty shack. But he's going to suppress a shiver and a subsequent complaint in favor of beaming as he says:]
[retreating isn't necessarily a sign of weakness; there are times in which taking a step back proves beneficial—but in this particular scenario, suguru is certain that it would do more harm than good? that it would nullify the tentative progress they've made this evening, because pulling away now would be equal parts cowardly, petty, childish. it's only a bed; it's only one night. neither of them is so foolish as to choose shivering to death over sharing a space for a few hours, a majority of which they will remain blissfully unaware of.
and yet.
one problem, so far as suguru can tell, is that distractions are proving more difficult to find—and less effective as a whole. it's simply impossible to ignore just how connected they are; even watching satoru try (and fail) to brush the dust from his jacket—which should be funny, in a way—means spying the ring upon satoru's finger, the hair tie about satoru's wrist. and what else is there to focus on, in this tiny shack? shifting his attention down to the curse winding around his feet means thinking about the ridiculous name it now answers to; pretending to take inventory of the pillows means thinking about how close their pillows will be, once they claim them; absently brushing a lock of hair from his face means thinking about why his hair is loose in the first place. satoru is inescapable.
but as satoru pushes past the mess of emotions they seemingly share, suguru does the same, refusing to allow his vaguely amused smile to slip as satoru catches his eye. that is a mischievous look if suguru has ever seen one, and while that, too, pains him in some small way, he watches satoru tap something on his screen—
—and pop into a pair of pajamas he has no business wearing. furbies? more furbies? this would have sent a younger suguru into the mother of all laughing fits; he would have almost certainly needed to leave the room, but now, as both brows lift:]
Is it? [a dusty suit might have been better, considering the length of leg that is currently on display—but that aside:] ...Maybe it does suit you.
[a clown suit for a clown. very fitting. suguru feels genuine amusement welling within, something he should be grateful for—and yet it's what sends him turning away, a huff of a laugh escaping him as he perches on the edge of the bed. he wants to laugh, to really laugh; he can't allow himself to, so! time, then, to carefully pull his feet free from sprinkles' smothering affection, ostensibly so he can remove his sandals. lightly, easily:]
If you freeze, you only have yourself to blame.
[because wishing for so impractical an outfit is totally satoru's style! if suguru were to use the same app, surely he would, despite this train's meddling, receive something more sensible—which is why he plucks his own phone from his pocket? considers it for a moment before unlocking it simply to hit that one (1) button, following satoru's lead every bit as easily as he once did, and—poof! warm woodsman chic™, which is... a definite relief.
and while suguru had absolutely no control over this, he's absolutely casting a look back over his shoulder.]
[Satoru didn't get to pick! This totally isn't his fault.
Except, Suguru is kind of right. He did tap those fateful buttons on his phone in hopes of getting a pair of pajamas as jarring as his suit. In a way, he asked for this, and he is feeling a little bit smug as a result of being given yet another eyesore of an outfit. This train car is so dour and the situation with Suguru is so complicated — these pajamas are a much needed means of keeping their situation light, even if he'll suffer for them.
And he is suffering! He's cold! And he feels even colder once Suguru messes with his phone and is given a set of warm and comfortable pajamas. They even look like they fit him, whereas Satoru's are definitely a size too small and therefore not nearly as forgiving as they should be. He's paying the price for his antics yet again, even though this time was out of his hands.
But that isn't going to stop him from laughing out loud — unrestrained, compared to Suguru's attempt at keeping himself reeled in — when he sees that pattern because Suguru may be warm and cozy in that getup but:]
You look like...
[What's the name of that American...give him half a second to remember...]
Paul Bunyan.
[How does he know who this is? Does Satoru play gacha games in his spare time? Maybe...
Cultural knowledge aside, Satoru is only getting colder and he may very well freeze at this rate. So there's really no room for thinking deep thoughts about emotions or the fact that Suguru is going to climb in bed right after him. Satoru takes off his blindfold and sets it and his phone beside the bed. Then he lies down and immediately does what Suguru told him not to do.
He hogs the blankets, wrapping himself in all of them.
Only after he starts warming up a little does he allow himself to think on what — who — will inevitably follow.]
Sprinkles!
[Come get in this bed before Suguru does. Keep both their minds off of everything except a curse taking up too much space in bed, getting its dusty feet on everything...]
[satoru may play (and waste far too much money on) gacha games, but suguru most certainly does not—and thus paul bunyan sails right over his head. of the many books he's read throughout his life, few have focused on american folklore; this reference is yet another example of satoru existing in an entirely different world.
but it makes satoru laugh, and maybe that's what matters, in this moment? even if it does bring about a pain in suguru's chest, something he ignores as he bends down to tuck his matching slippers (nice) out of sprinkles' line of sight. the last thing he needs is this curse eating what is currently his only pair of shoes...
...and the second-to-last thing suguru needs: satoru stealing all of the blankets before he can so much as sit upright. damn.
except that suguru knows this is a distraction tactic, of sorts. satoru buying himself some time, which is why suguru only sighs as he stands, deciding to address this issue after placing his phone on the table (and patting his pockets, feeling for the charm that is both there and, blessedly, muted by the thick fabric). he, at least, is not a heathen; his phone will not go on the floor.
but the price he pays for his kindness is satoru calling sprinkles onto the bed, which—well, of course the curse hops right up? and into suguru's spot, no less, sniffing under the pillow to see if, like, a tasty piece of human is hidden beneath it. hope is all it has these days... surely one day its tasty treat will come...
there is, however, only so much foolishness suguru can tolerate—and so, as he makes his way back to his side of the bed, he gives sprinkles a look.]
Off.
[which is not strictly necessary; a verbal command is not needed, given that suguru controls this curse's will, but it feels fitting? and sends sprinkles scurrying into satoru's space, stomping all over his legs. enjoy that, you cocoon of a man, but also:]
This isn't your bed, [suguru says, holding out a hand in an expectant manner,] and those aren't your blankets. Stop being selfish.
[Whoa, Suguru, there's no need to be so strict! So mean! Poor Sprinkles, now absolutely crushing Satoru's legs, but instead of complaining about that, Satoru curls up into a ball, pulling his to himself to make room at the foot of the bed, allowing the curse to walk all over him. He slept like this in the treehouse, he can manage it again. His feet are now kind of in Suguru's space, though. There's a lot of Satoru and only so much bed.
And only so many blankets! But Suguru has the right of it; Satoru is employing a distraction tactic, and the time for such antics is swiftly running out, especially considering Suguru's tone and that hand hovering expectantly beside him.]
But I'm cold.
[A pathetic protest, coupled with an equally pathetic sniffle as Satoru grabs a handful of blanket and thrusts it behind him, blindly seeking Suguru's hand since his back is now to him.
He's cold, and he's not ready for this yet, and neither is Suguru, if that brief pang of pain that Satoru felt a few moments ago is anything to go by. But they've now reached the point where no amount of whining or curse involvement will delay what they need to do. So he gives in, handing over then blankets, then doing his best to shift to the edge of the bed, attempting to give Suguru distance.
And surely Satoru should just close his eyes as Suguru settles in bed. Surely, he knows better than to indulge his desire to chat before sleep, because figurative distance is as important as literal distance.
But he is, regrettably, still himself and thus:]
I was in the woods when you texted.
[Pillow talk...he can't help it.]
Took care of a few monsters.
[This car is dangerous, and maybe that's what he wants to talk about. Or maybe he's looking for some insight into what Suguru has been doing with his time.
Or it could be that Satoru is a glutton for punishment, and just doesn't know when to stop.
[there is something childish about this? satoru, refusing to roll over lest he meet suguru's eyes while offering the bare minimum—suguru thinks, briefly (and stupidly), of nanako. always the more willful of his two girls, prone to sulking—briefly—whenever she didn't get her way; she'd crawled into her bed many a time, keeping her back to the door as she pretended she didn't hear suguru wishing her good night. this reminds him of that, in a way—but then, of course, there was mimiko, always more likely to cry than to sulk. sometimes she turned away from him as she did so, refusing to let him see her tears; she knew it would only make her feel worse.
that's how children are; that's how people are. suguru has always understood this, on some level, which is perhaps why he managed to befriend satoru all those years ago? others wrote satoru off as an annoyance, a lost cause; suguru saw the person beneath the act and realized: oh. so this is how satoru deals with it all.
and this is how satoru deals with—well, with this: by curling into a ball, silent and still. there are, suguru supposes, worse ways to handle this.
but that doesn't make crawling into bed, tugging the blankets over him as he does so, any easier. silence should be a blessing; it feels rather like a curse in this moment, something weighing down his limbs as he gingerly rolls onto his side, his back facing satoru. a necessity—as well as a small comfort, he hopes. a small comfort.
one that is matched, surprisingly enough, by satoru's voice? it shouldn't be a surprise; it very much is, hence the slight delay before suguru offers a quiet:]
Oh?
[which isn't enough; to leave satoru hanging like this would bring an end to this strange comfort, but suguru still takes a moment to shift, pulling the edge of the blanket that much higher. if he concentrates—if he's left alone in silence for too long—he can feel the warm of satoru's calf, so very close to his feet.]
The villagers will be grateful. They haven't had much luck taking care of them on their own. [hmm—] They say there are too many of them in the woods.
[or: suguru spent his day milling about, charming people, birds, and bears into offering him information about their home. he was personable and polite, once; he still can be, when the need arises.]
[Satoru remembers many of the lasts he shared with Suguru. He remembers the last time he and Suguru talked before Suguru turned away. He remembers the last text messages they exchanged. He remembers Suguru's last smile, last words, last breath. He remembers the last time they shared a hotel room bed, and he remembers the rain that fell long into that night.
He remembers a lot.
He does not remember the last time he and Suguru shared one of their beds, in their space, before Suguru left the school.
It should be a relief, to be spared the burden of a final memory as he lies in Suguru's bed once more. It should be nice, to be given this break, a pause in the endless considerations of how things once were. This is a reprieve: Satoru can shut his eyes and listen to Suguru intone that quiet Oh? without thinking of finalities.
Yet, as he counts the breaths between that single utterance and the statements that he nearly thinks won't follow, the knowledge that he can't remember something so trivial, yet so important, settles in his chest as an ache.
It must have been an inconsequential morning. They must have woken up together in a blur. Satoru was probably late, having snoozed too long, and he probably had to leave in a rush. Maybe Suguru was already long out of bed before Satoru decided to greet the day. Maybe that's why the memory failed to stick.
There are many moments that Satoru failed to understand were important while they were happening. He didn't realize the fleeting nature of significance — the way hindsight would color that which seemed trifling at the time. He didn't realize that Suguru himself was temporary, contingent, as fleeting as all the small details that Satoru would retrace in his mind long after he left — and then long after his death.
Satoru is spared the pain of a final moment that he didn't realize was part of their ending — and that in and of itself is painful. It feels like a loss. It has Satoru wondering: Does Suguru remember? He was always better at slowing down and recognizing moments for what they were, whereas Satoru shoved himself from moment to moment with forward momentum.
(Except for moments like these: when he slowed down to listen to Suguru breathe in and out, when he waited for Suguru's words, when he reached across the gap of mattress between them to clutch Suguru's shirt — to hold him close.)
Now Suguru lies beside him, facing the other way, an impossible distance stretched between them, and Satoru thinks that this too will lead to an end: of their discussion, of Satoru's attempt to converse, and of Suguru's unspoken reply.
But Suguru speaks. Satoru exhales. He closes his eyes and thinks about the slope of Suguru's shoulder, the loose strands of his hair settled across his pillow, the way that Suguru offers what Satoru is seeking. Satoru thinks about Suguru going from villager to villager, gathering information. It reminds him of a time long ago, when he and Suguru would travel to the countryside to exorcise curses, and Suguru would ward off villagers' concerns with a smile and a polite word. He was always better at that than Satoru.]
There're a lot.
[Punctuated by a yawn, Satoru marginally relaxes as he speaks. The conversation eases him in loosening his limbs — still curled, but less defensively, soothed by this talk into accepting the shared bed — and Suguru's proximity.
Satoru could take care of most, if not all of the monsters, if given endless time and cursed energy, but he has neither of those things at his disposal. He has other concerns on his mind, other threats to consider.]
But they've got bigger problems.
[And this is partially why Satoru spent the day in the woods, instead of lingering in town. There are very few things that Satoru can't fight. Give him curses, monsters, and creatures en masse, and he'll emerge victorious. But give him an illness, and Satoru is useless. He never could heal others, and now he can't even heal himself. A plague is an opponent that doesn't respond to power or strength.
He glances over his shoulder, just barely. The motion doesn't grant him sight of Suguru; it serves more as a gesture.]
What do you think we're supposed to be doing?
[What is the objective that seems not to exist? Satoru hasn't paid the objectives much mind up until now, focused as he's been on other matters, but this is one car that warrants a swift exit.]
[it's pitch black within this too-small space; even suguru's well-adjusted eyes can just barely make out the shape of a chair near the foot of the bed, which leaves him little choice but to focus on the person curled up beside him. he can hear every breath, feel every self-inflicted wound—though maybe that isn't entirely fair. he isn't so selfish as to believe that he is at the center of every late night thought; he isn't so callous as to ignore the problems his presence poses.
(which is why he should simply ask what satoru is thinking? offer satoru a chance to—well. it doesn't matter. once, perhaps, satoru may have provided a flippant answer, attempting to deflect before ultimately allowing suguru in; now, however, satoru will almost assuredly keep suguru out, and for good reason. it's safer this way.)
but satoru once again chooses to speak—and suguru thinks of nanako mumbling his name just before he closed the door, of mimiko sidling up to him to curl her fingers around a few of his. little gestures; little ways to ask for—to admit—what is needed.
what do you think we're supposed to be doing?
not this, suguru is sure. anything but this—and yet he hums all the same, replacing thoughts of satoru with thoughts of nervous villagers. of course he'd wandered by the clinic while exploring the village; he'd spoken, albeit briefly, with a bear reeking of alcohol, lending a sympathetic ear as the bear bemoaned the rising number of patients. monsters on one front, illness on the other—and somewhere in the middle, whispers of dead bodies disappearing in the dead of night. there's a puzzle here, which means the true question should be: is this their puzzle to piece together?
the answer, so far as suguru can tell, is obvious—which is one reason he should respond with a single word: sleeping. end this conversation here; ensure they're both in top form come the morning, when they head back into the world to deal with whatever is thrown their way—and yet.]
Solving them.
[the bed is spacious for one, somewhat cramped for two; suguru shifting over to lay flat on his back means that his shoulder just barely brushes satoru's back, but he does his best to ignore it, focusing instead on the darkness above them—and then, as he catches sight of it from the corner of his eye, the pale glow at the nape of satoru's neck. numbers, barely peeking over the collar of his ridiculous top and further obscured by his messy, messy hair, but—ah.
quietly, then, as suguru turns his head before he can think better of it:]
...So yours are blue.
[fitting! and also very eloquent, suguru.]
Edited (an edit for one (1) word) 2021-09-14 20:31 (UTC)
[Suguru's response has the ring of something he might have said in the past, when Satoru was busy bemoaning having to go on missions to protect the weak. The subsequent light brush of Suguru's shoulder against Satoru's back has the feel of a closeness he might have provided in the past — back when they would fit themselves together in the same small bed, but before they allowed themselves to fully indulge in touch.
It was a little easier for Satoru to speak candidly under the cover the darkness back then. He'd offer his flippant but lackluster attempts to change difficult subjects, and then whisper his admittances: I'm tired or I've got a headache or even Do your injuries still hurt? betraying a concern he once tried to hide from Suguru. Now, a similar confession rises to the surface: a statement about how there are already enough problems on his plate — a comment about how he hasn't been able to pick up on Sukuna's energy since they entered this car, a concern about the illness and the threats of future cars, and even more than all of those, a sense of displacement as he lies here and feels immersed in the risk that Suguru provides. Satoru takes everything in stride, but sometimes his good humor wavers — and Suguru is the only one who he allowed to truly see that.
Honesty means confessing that he's worried about what they're doing right this moment. Suguru is so close, Satoru feels the heat of his shoulder along his back. It means showing Suguru the pieces of himself he's kept locked away.
It means reaching out, when he feels he should.
Satoru nearly turns over. He nearly opens his mouth. But then Suguru speaks, and the moment is interrupted. Satoru has to think for a moment to realize what the comment references; he hasn't seen his own number, nor has he paid it much mind, considering it yet another gift from a higher-up for whom he holds no respect.
When it dawns on him, he considers the number in a new light. Lying together like this, Suguru's words feel strangely intimate, as though they're speaking about something deeply personal — something that Satoru should have kept hidden. He thinks about Sylvain's reluctance to show his number, and wonders if he might have been on to something.
Instead of attempting to cross the distance, Satoru raises his hand and frees it of the covers to run his fingers along the nape of his neck. Then he brushes his hair up, attempting to hold it out of the way, though the number remains hidden by his collar.]
Someone told me it was 404.
[When he first arrived, but that was weeks ago, and Satoru had no reason to trust him and no way of confirming. Now, the number reads 413 and while they have this conversation, it ticks upward, to 421.]
Is it?
[For the first time, he truly considers the significance of the numbers, and wonders about Suguru's — where it might be and what it might mean for him. And for them both.]
[this moment does feel strangely intimate; suguru is struck by the notion that he has somehow gone too far—and yet his eyes remain fixed on that bit of blue he can barely see. a small number, he thinks. certainly smaller than his own, with its five digits taking up the lion's share of his inner forearm. for his number to take up so much space while satoru's takes up practically no space at all—what does that mean? why is his number so much higher?
...he has a guess. a few of them, actually, but he keeps them to himself, watching satoru slip a hand to the back of his neck. long, thin fingers, skimming the very top of his brand before sweeping his hair up as best he can. there's nothing special about it, really; it's a purely practical gesture, and yet suguru feels an echo of an emotion he doesn't wish to acknowledge? the sudden urge to follow along in the wake of satoru's fingers; to touch the sensitive stretch of skin he'd so often kissed.
but that's—it's a fleeting fancy, something suguru does his best to dismiss as he squints at the very tops of the numbers. a four to start with, but as for the rest—
—the smart thing, perhaps, would be to say that he isn't sure, that he can't see. simple and sensible. it would be recoverable—but suguru is lifting a hand before satoru asks that which should remain unspoken, telling himself that it's the number drawing his attention. only the number.]
Hold still.
[little more than a murmur, really, as he hooks his pointer finger into satoru's collar, drawing it far enough down to expose the number in full—and there's no helping the slight contact. the light brush of skin against skin is as inevitable the the odd thrill it provides, but it's mitigated, somewhat, by the sight of satoru's number ticking a tad higher. was it satoru's mess of emotions, was it suguru's touch—
one thing at a time.]
421, [he says at last, still quiet as he watches for further changes—and then, because he can't quite help himself:] How many people have you shown this to?
[it's the thought of someone touching satoru like this, albeit briefly; it shouldn't matter, but it somehow does.]
[He and Suguru are linked by their rings, and Satoru's reactions are amplified by what he senses from the band — the catch in his breath underscored by the flashes of emotion he senses as Suguru murmurs that instruction. Their connection is what nudges Satoru into obedience, more than Suguru's words. He stills, holds his breath, and waits for what is sure to follow: the skirting of Suguru's fingers against his neck, the tug of fabric, the quiet revelation: 421, a number altered according to a train's whims.
Satoru exhales slowly, as if sighing too hard might disrupt this moment that they shouldn't have allowed to pass. A prickling sensation travels up his spine, though whether it's a direct response to that unnamed emotion or an anticipation of what could follow such a light, unobtrusive touch, Satoru isn't sure. It prompts him toward some kind of action — a warning that incites him to drop his hair and his hand, say something stupid to deflect Suguru's attention, or turn over and demand to see Suguru's, a number for a number.
The desire to seek more. The desire to pull away. Two simultaneous compulsions that end up feeling the same — both impulses that Satoru ignores in favor of lying exactly as he is, listening to Suguru's voice.
421, and Satoru keeps holding still.
And then Suguru's question, which should be trivial. Which is trivial, because what does it matter? They don't know what the numbers represent, and even if they did, they're hardly meant to be secret. Most people have them in conspicuous places, and have no say in showing them off.
And yet his is hidden. Suguru's is hidden. It occurs to Satoru that they should stay that way — not from the train at large, but maybe from each other. Because regardless of the meaning, isn't this another piece of himself that he has essentially handed over? Another piece of insight, however vague, however minimal, to be twisted into a weapon at the end of this path they walk together?
Satoru chuckles. The sound is breathy, as quiet as Suguru's words.]
Too many.
[Now, he means. As of this very moment.
But he has sworn to be honest, and even as he speaks flippantly, he feels the way his cursed energy mingles with Suguru's. Their proximity makes the bond seem that much stronger, looming over him, a promise and a threat in one.
So he elaborates.]
Two, and now you.
[No one touched him, though, a thought he keeps to himself. Satoru doesn't let anyone in.
Except — this. Except Suguru, with his soft touches that should, but fail to, feel like warnings.]
Why? Were you keeping yours secret?
[In retrospect, that is the smarter choice; and now, Satoru wonders if he will receive nothing in exchange for giving Suguru something that suddenly feels deeply personal — a touch, a number, and confession, all in one.]
[it is, quite honestly, a stupid question, which suguru realizes a split second after it leaves his lips. his concern—his chief concern— is ridiculous; the chances of satoru allowing anyone on this train to touch him are slim to none—and what would it matter if he did? that's satoru's risk to take. same for sharing his number, really; they've no concrete clues as to what these markings represent, so sharing with strangers is satoru's call.
but the undeniable truth is that touching satoru is a privilege, of sorts. one that suguru does not necessarily deserve; one that suguru has been granted frequently, as of late. he wonders if he's growing accustomed to it.
(he isn't. each touch is a shock; even now, this brief point of contact—warm skin pressed against the back of a single finger—is something suguru is both wary and absurdly appreciative of.)
satoru's number, however, remains stable as he speaks; there isn't so much as a single flicker—and suguru knows this to be his sign to pull away. his own curiosity is (somewhat) sated, and satoru's question is answered; to linger is to take advantage, to take this a step too far, because he wasn't invited in to make himself at home.
but it's—what? the novelty of being the third as opposed to the first? which is as stupid as it is unfair, suguru knows, and yet, as he releases his hold on satoru's collar, he can't quite help himself; he feels the need to bring his fingers to satoru's number, simply to press them, lightly, against the digits that could mean anything at all. maybe he's the first to do this.
well, again: which is as stupid as it is unfair, hence his barely audible, barely amused puff of breath as he finally pulls away. pfh. now who's the rude one? now who's the problem-causer.]
From you?
[is that the real question? his tone implies, but as that is a fair thing to ask of him:]
It hasn't come up. No one has asked, and I haven't offered. [because no one needs to know more about him than is absolutely necessary, but before satoru can say so much as a single word:] Do you remember the largest number you've seen?
[there's clear rustling behind satoru? the sound, perhaps, of someone pulling their arms free from the covers and maybe, just maybe, pushing up a sleeve—if satoru decides it's worth rolling over for.
(and if he does, in large, orange numbers trailing down suguru's forearm: 60138.]
[The warm pressure of fingers set against his number comes as a shock. Satoru's inhalation is sharper than it should be, betraying his surprise, his attempt at steadying himself immediately giving way to a quaver that spreads through his chest and surfaces abruptly.
Suguru's fingers are fleeting. They apply light pressure. And yet they sear into his skin. They have the distinct effect of making him feel cut open, exposed — everything he's attempted to bury drawn forth into the open.
(If Satoru expected the press of Suguru's fingers — if he knew that Suguru would reach out on his own, seizing more than he was offered, not unlike when Satoru intertwined their fingers and took what Suguru did not want to give — what would he have done? Activated his Infinity, to shut Suguru out? Jerked away? Pressed back, the equivalent of Suguru clutching his hand, and asked: Do you think this is long enough?
No. Of course not. Satoru has never sought to hurt Suguru. For all his picking at their wounds, he never intended to reopen them. Suguru is bleeding out an emotion that is dangerous, foolish to indulge, clouding his judgement — but Satoru will not make him stare at the damage. He will not double down and force Suguru to feel as he felt when Suguru clenched his hand.
He'll try to staunch the flow.)
When Suguru pulls back his hand, Satoru releases his hair. He wants to rub his numbers, to ease the impact, to mimic Suguru's touch. He holds back, even as Suguru asks his pointed For you? — even as his numbers burn.]
Yeah. 846. On a robot with no arms or legs.
[The only reason he remembers is because he carried the robot around for a little while, staring at it. He hadn't realized the number was high at the time — nor was he aware of his own number at that point — but it still made an impression.]
It had a big mouth though.
[Or whatever the robot equivalent of a voice box is. It babbled a lot.
Satoru says all of this without turning around. He is attempting to settle himself — settle Suguru — before he does so. Staunching the flow with nonsense.
Finally, he rolls onto his back and looks up at the ceiling. In the corner of his eye, he sees an orange blur. It's only right for Satoru to face Suguru in full — to take what Suguru is offering, after Suguru just took so much from him. He should roll over and touch those numbers — which must be higher than 421, given Suguru's question. He should press his fingers into them, and return the favor.
But Satoru thinks about their two hands, forced together. He finds his ring with his fingertips and gives it a twist.
He says:]
You don't have to show me.
[They're just numbers, currently meaningless. They have no bearing on their vow, nor do they affect their partnership. Suguru can keep this secret. Satoru can keep himself reined in. They can refrain from taking more, when they should be focused on taking less.
Satoru drapes his arm over his eyes, blocking out the glow of Suguru's numbers, shielding himself from the sight of his cursed energy.]
They probably stand for something stupid, like —
[Every conclusion that springs to mind would lead to Satoru having a higher number: how many people you annoyed, how many times you forgot to brush your teeth, how many times you died playing video games —
How many people you killed, Satoru thinks. How many lives you ruined. How many bad things you've done throughout your life.]
— how many times you've said please or thank you.
[He finishes the statement lamely, losing steam by the end, weighed down by new considerations.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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which should be a relief—and it is, in its way, but something within suguru twists all the same.
(because what suguru always admired about satoru—what suguru liked best—was satoru's refusal to conform. oh, it could be frustrating; suguru was often the bridge, the tether, the person tasked with keeping satoru in check, but wasn't it fun to be swept up in it all? to ignore what was expected and to do what he pleased, if only for a time.)
but this new, subdued version of satoru is what suguru all but demanded in the last car, and thus suguru is forced to accept it. nothing that extreme, satoru says. of course not. maintaining a certain distance is their new "normal."
and that should make satoru's chosen prize—what? simpler? motive- and meaning-free? a hair tie is such a small thing, after all; it's certainly better than satoru requesting the prize he'd missed in the museum car, and yet, as suguru studies him for a moment, suguru considers how strangely intimate an item a hair tie is. something that is worn day in, day out; something that few are ever allowed to touch. he wonders, then, what makes this a worthwhile prize in satoru's mind: its personal nature, or the minor inconvenience it poses...
...but there is satoru's upturned hand, kept at a respectful distance.]
That's all?
[an amused exhale—a not-quite-laugh—as suguru brings a hand to the back of his head, slipping a finger beneath the tie looped about the base of his bun. it doesn't take him long at all to unwind it; a few practiced twists of his wrist and his hair is free, much of it falling forward to frame his face. it's sure to irritate suguru in a day or so, but for now, with the smallest of smiles:]
Trying out a new hairstyle to match your new outfit?
[it could be stunning. but that aside: with his hair tie now dangling from the tip of his pointer finger, suguru stretches forward, entering satoru's space to present his prize—and if suguru lingers? if he chooses not to drop the hair tie, but to press it to satoru's palm with the tips of his fingers, testing the infinity between them? that, too, is a gesture.]
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He told himself it was due to the benign nature of the object — something small and noninvasive, free of the complications that come with Suguru's other, very limited belongings. He figured he'd get a little enjoyment out of seeing Suguru annoyed at his hair falling into his face whenever their paths cross. And it seemed like a harmless way to gloat, free of the tension that could arise from less subtle rewards: Satoru would wear the band around his wrist, Suguru would know it is there, and there would be no repercussions to the way Satoru occasionally hiked up his sleeve to remind him of his win.
But when Suguru reaches behind himself to remove the tie, Satoru's attention is entirely arrested by the way his hair falls free around his face. He finds himself resisting yet another impulse: the desire to reach, to touch, to tuck the strands away.
The last time Satoru saw Suguru with his hair down, Suguru breathed his last.
And maybe that's the reason behind the slight hitch in his chest as Suguru holds the tie between them — as Suguru crosses the line between them to touch. Maybe that's why Satoru's Infinity allows him in without so much as a conscious thought, inviting the contact of his finger against his palm. Maybe that's why Satoru closes his hand before Suguru can pull away, catching both the tie and his finger for a fleeting moment.
Or maybe, for all that Satoru is trying to restrain himself, he can't hold back from asking for a little more — from accepting that which Suguru is giving freely, then chasing it before it fades, seeking to prolong something that, for once, does not feel like it is plucked from the past, but born entirely of the present.
Briefly, Satoru's fingers close, and when he chooses to pull away — capturing the hair tie, but removing himself from Suguru's hand — it is less due to reining himself in than it is the fact that Suguru's touch is cold. And that, too, makes him think of the last time he saw Suguru with his hair down.]
I would...
[He speaks with as playful of a tone as ever, dropping his attention to the hair tie in the center of his palm, opening his hand to reveal the simple prize. Easier to look at the tie itself than to think of the many ways in which he could brush back the burden of unruly hair from Suguru's face. Easier to slip the tie about his wrist than to consider how the loose strands soften Suguru's features, making him appear younger.]
But where's the fun in that?
[To use the tie for its intended purpose would make it functional, a prize claimed for a reason, which takes away from the minor inconvenience of losing it. Hence, it becomes a bracelet for the foreseeable future.
Even the stupidest prizes have a cost, Satoru thinks. And when the band is snug around his wrist, he pulls it taut, then releases it, allowing it to snap against his skin. On the surface, this is as obnoxious of a move as Satoru banging his cane. But this, too, becomes a kind of reminder.
Then he holds his wrist up, still firmly behind the line that exists between them.]
I'll wear it like this.
[And only then does he meet Suguru's eyes again, that smile still on his lips, only smaller now — weakened, when he considers Suguru's hair, Suguru's touch, and the elasticity of a band stretched a little too far.]
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even the smallest indulgences are dangerous, as suguru well knows. they are often the start to something larger, a snowball that grows and grows and grows as it rolls, unchecked, down a steep hill—but suguru sets his sense to the side, for the moment. ignores all that he expects of himself in order to do what seems, feels, fitting, because satoru once again let him in; the least suguru can do is stay.
(while thinking, stupidly, of how easy it would be to twist his hand, fingers finding their way between satoru's. another gesture; a far more meaningful one, at that, but the price is too high, too high.)
satoru, however, remains the responsible one, releasing suguru's fingers after only a few seconds. the briefest touch, as if this is a re-do of, or an apology for, seizing suguru's hand in camp—and suguru should be pleased; he supposes that he is, on some level, but as he draws his hand back to his side of the table, he glances down at it, wondering if this exchange was a step forward or a step back.
but it isn't over, is it? even as he watches satoru slide his prize over his wrist, suguru knows that everything has looped back to him—because there is something almost vulnerable about satoru, now. a sadness that suguru can sense, thanks to his ring, but he never needed that in the past; he could read satoru as easily as anything.
and some things are better left alone; maybe this—them—is one of them, but suguru considers the difference between closing this door between them or leaving it ajar. he could easily do either, depending on how he'd like to move forward; all it would take is the right (or wrong) words.
so.]
Don't break it.
[a mild chide as suguru places his elbow upon the table, resting his chin in the hand that satoru was (almost) holding a few seconds before. satoru's smile shrinks; suguru's smile softens, just barely, before he adds:]
I still have to win it back.
[an offering, small as it is. a tentative way forward.]
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Each game they play returns them to a place that neither of them are meant to occupy; it will do nothing to stave away the inevitability of the end of their arrangement. It will put them at risk. And yet, if Satoru is as honest with himself as he has vowed to be with Suguru, he has no choice but to admit that he missed this. He missed the one and only person who understood him, who complemented him, who knew exactly what to say when Satoru felt less like the strongest and more like someone who might easily crack if given a just right amount of pressure.
Determined as he is to be responsible, to keep himself from pushing too far, there's only one answer that Satoru should give in reply. If Suguru will not shut the door now, before it's too late, then it should fall on to Satoru. All business, no pleasure, no games — Satoru should slam the door shut and look away. But if their time together on this train has proven anything at all, it's that Suguru is still, to this day, Satoru's weakness. Just as the sight of Suguru's body trapped Satoru in the prison realm, these words — this way forward — traps Satoru in a mess of his own making.
He says:]
You could try...
[And playfully trails off, the implication being that he is leaving the door as open as Suguru — that he will accept this tentative way forward, even if this path will prove painful.
Because that soft smile, the way that Suguru looks at him, the tone in which he delivers that comment — it reminds Satoru what it is like to be seen, known, and understood.
After that, the evening stretches on. Satoru eats his questionable meal, plays with Sprinkles, and takes up space in the small shack. Once night falls upon them and it comes time to rest, Satoru decides to stay. The atmosphere between him and Suguru is better after their game and subsequent prize exchange, and he really should rest, considering that this car promises to drain his energy quicker than the others, given the monsters and threats that lurk about. And failing to rest not only means that he could run out of energy, but also that he'll be at risk for contracting the mysterious illness plaguing this car. Rest is more important than ever.
For both of them. Suguru's well-being is also on Satoru's mind, and that's why he decides to mess around with the Happy Home app himself. It's safest for Satoru to stay in the same building as Suguru so he's protected while his technique is down, but it isn't wise for either of them to sleep on the cold floor without sufficient bedding. He therefore attempts to make a shelter of his own so he can bring a mattress, blankets, and any other useful furniture to Suguru's shack.
When he returns ten minutes later, he's empty handed.]
The app crashed.
[And now won't work at all! There's a friendly error message about trying again later, but Satoru is skeptical. This train hasn't exactly proven to have anyone's best interests in mind.
But there's nothing he can do, given the shortages of supplies due to the illness sweeping through the car, except walk over to the bed and take inventory of the blankets and furs. There aren't enough to make a reasonable pallet on the floor, and under normal circumstances, that wouldn't be a huge deal. But with the threats of this car...]
We've got to share.
[He says it with some amusement, although he knows that situation is, once again, too much. They've only barely just repaired what was ripped open when they held hands; to indulge such close proximity again would be foolish.
But they both need to sleep. Neither of them can afford to hit a wall of exhaustion and get sick. They're in this together, and that includes relying on each other's good health.
So! Satoru tosses a pillow at Suguru, attempting to keep things easy between them despite yet another difficult choice.]
You better not snore.
[Satoru is more likely to snore, especially given how hard he'll sleep when he finally manages it, considering all the energy he has to replenish. But once again, it's easier to treat this situation as lightly as the rest.]
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(the risk was not worth it; the mood is too comfortable; suguru has made an incalculable error, because this small indulgence will lead to others. which one will prove to be too much? who will end it, this, them?)
night, however, does fall—and with it, the temperature. the shack makes it marginally more bearable; the thin wooden walls are, apparently, good for something, but by the time satoru decides to step outside and try his luck, suguru has cast surreptitious glance after surreptitious glance toward the bed. it is far too cold for either of them to sleep on the floor, just as it is far too cold to strip many blankets and/or furs from the bed. they do indeed need more of everything...
which means, of course, that they receive absolutely nothing. suguru can't even pretend to be surprised when satoru breezes back inside a few minutes later, showing off the error message on his screen; this is simply how things seem to go for them, which is why he merely hums, nudging at the curse currently stretched out atop his feet. rest is necessary. for both of them. suguru briefly considers pulling out his own phone, just on the offhanded chance there's an option to request something new—
—but. we've got to share, satoru says, following up one bombshell with another—though the pillow is, at least, easier to catch, easier to process. suguru knows what to do with it; suguru does not know what to do with the sudden thought of lying side by side, because when is the last time he's fallen asleep next to anyone? to a fellow adult? he's been far too busy for anything more than the occasional encounter, but those are quick, impersonal; suguru never lingers.
so it's a slight uneasiness he feels, though he knows that sharing this bed is the best option—the only option—for them both. it's only logical—but as he stands, approaching the bed just to place this pillow in what he assumes will be his half of the bed, it's impossible to ignore the memories of sharing a much smaller bed, once. satoru, stealing his blankets; satoru, ignoring a sequence of alarms; satoru, clutching the hem of his shirt.
once they would have fallen into this bed with no hesitation whatsoever. a reflex, really—but now it takes effort to pull down the covers, though he manages a small, somewhat amused huff as he mentally maps out his space. he could say no, and yet, once again:]
I'll keep that in mind.
[a quiet joke, for he recognizes that satoru is also doing what he can to preserve the mood. what's difficult for one is all too frequently difficult for the other; these rings only prove what suguru already knows, so:]
You'd better not steal all the blankets. [it's like another agreement, of sorts. tit for tat! but also, as suguru gets another look at that godawful suit:] Or wear that jacket.
[sprinkles was crawling over satoru earlier, putting its dusty little caterpillar paws all over that outfit, so please, sir. cmon.]
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And it's even more challenging to maintain his good humor if the ring will betray his own lack of surety.
This should be easy. Compared to sleeping outside or sleeping on the floor, sharing a bed shouldn't give either of them pause. It's just a bed, for only one night, and Satoru is tired enough that all of the thoughts that could come with such a scenario should be easily remedied the moment he hits the pillow. But this is yet another situation that forces him to remember the past: the countless times he slept beside Suguru, the whispers spoken late into the night, and the touches meant to comfort, calm, entice.
In the space between Suguru's reply and Suguru's follow-up, Satoru's thoughts wander in the direction of a dangerous question: will there ever be a time that he remembers the past without the pain of what came after? Will he ever be able to look at Suguru without seeing the trail of blood left in his wake, the broken bodies of students, the destruction of a school?
Satoru had to harden his heart once before; now, as he fluffs his own pillow and makes room for himself in Suguru's bed, he finds it increasingly difficult to do. He knew, back when he ended Suguru's life, that Suguru was still painfully human underneath all his atrocious actions and grievous plots — but now he wears the proof around his finger, and feels his humanity keenly. And what choice does Satoru have, except to remind himself, over and over, that he can only help people who want to be saved?
Satoru leaves the ring on his finger. He grins in response to Suguru's words. He makes their bed, and then has no choice but to lie in it — because it's either that, or turning away. And for all Satoru's mistakes — for all this situation is yet another tally — that is the one thing he has never done.
Instead, Satoru seizes the diversion that Suguru provides, releasing the pillow to look down at himself, grabbing the quarters of his suit jacket as if offended.]
What's wrong with it?
[Okay, yeah, he sees the dust marks and casually attempts to wipe them away...and okay, maybe a suit jacket isn't the most ideal sleepwear option, but does Suguru really want him to mess around with the clothing app again?
Actually — Satoru decides that it is a good suggestion, because if the app gives him something even more ridiculous to wear to bed, then neither of them will be thinking about the uncomfortable scenario of sharing a bed. They'll be too distracted by the clothing disaster the app is sure to provide.
So there's no going back now! As he fishes his phone out of his pocket, Satoru glances at Suguru with a look that makes it clear that he expects this to go awry and plans on enjoying it for that reason.
It only takes a few seconds of messing around on his phone, and then!
Well, you know exactly what happens.
And Satoru is visibly delighted by this result, if cold, because they aren't in the least bit appropriate pajamas for a drafty shack. But he's going to suppress a shiver and a subsequent complaint in favor of beaming as he says:]
You're right. This is much better.
[You asked for this, Suguru.]
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and yet.
one problem, so far as suguru can tell, is that distractions are proving more difficult to find—and less effective as a whole. it's simply impossible to ignore just how connected they are; even watching satoru try (and fail) to brush the dust from his jacket—which should be funny, in a way—means spying the ring upon satoru's finger, the hair tie about satoru's wrist. and what else is there to focus on, in this tiny shack? shifting his attention down to the curse winding around his feet means thinking about the ridiculous name it now answers to; pretending to take inventory of the pillows means thinking about how close their pillows will be, once they claim them; absently brushing a lock of hair from his face means thinking about why his hair is loose in the first place. satoru is inescapable.
but as satoru pushes past the mess of emotions they seemingly share, suguru does the same, refusing to allow his vaguely amused smile to slip as satoru catches his eye. that is a mischievous look if suguru has ever seen one, and while that, too, pains him in some small way, he watches satoru tap something on his screen—
—and pop into a pair of pajamas he has no business wearing. furbies? more furbies? this would have sent a younger suguru into the mother of all laughing fits; he would have almost certainly needed to leave the room, but now, as both brows lift:]
Is it? [a dusty suit might have been better, considering the length of leg that is currently on display—but that aside:] ...Maybe it does suit you.
[a clown suit for a clown. very fitting. suguru feels genuine amusement welling within, something he should be grateful for—and yet it's what sends him turning away, a huff of a laugh escaping him as he perches on the edge of the bed. he wants to laugh, to really laugh; he can't allow himself to, so! time, then, to carefully pull his feet free from sprinkles' smothering affection, ostensibly so he can remove his sandals. lightly, easily:]
If you freeze, you only have yourself to blame.
[because wishing for so impractical an outfit is totally satoru's style! if suguru were to use the same app, surely he would, despite this train's meddling, receive something more sensible—which is why he plucks his own phone from his pocket? considers it for a moment before unlocking it simply to hit that one (1) button, following satoru's lead every bit as easily as he once did, and—poof! warm woodsman chic™, which is... a definite relief.
and while suguru had absolutely no control over this, he's absolutely casting a look back over his shoulder.]
See?
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Except, Suguru is kind of right. He did tap those fateful buttons on his phone in hopes of getting a pair of pajamas as jarring as his suit. In a way, he asked for this, and he is feeling a little bit smug as a result of being given yet another eyesore of an outfit. This train car is so dour and the situation with Suguru is so complicated — these pajamas are a much needed means of keeping their situation light, even if he'll suffer for them.
And he is suffering! He's cold! And he feels even colder once Suguru messes with his phone and is given a set of warm and comfortable pajamas. They even look like they fit him, whereas Satoru's are definitely a size too small and therefore not nearly as forgiving as they should be. He's paying the price for his antics yet again, even though this time was out of his hands.
But that isn't going to stop him from laughing out loud — unrestrained, compared to Suguru's attempt at keeping himself reeled in — when he sees that pattern because Suguru may be warm and cozy in that getup but:]
You look like...
[What's the name of that American...give him half a second to remember...]
Paul Bunyan.
[How does he know who this is? Does Satoru play gacha games in his spare time? Maybe...
Cultural knowledge aside, Satoru is only getting colder and he may very well freeze at this rate. So there's really no room for thinking deep thoughts about emotions or the fact that Suguru is going to climb in bed right after him. Satoru takes off his blindfold and sets it and his phone beside the bed. Then he lies down and immediately does what Suguru told him not to do.
He hogs the blankets, wrapping himself in all of them.
Only after he starts warming up a little does he allow himself to think on what — who — will inevitably follow.]
Sprinkles!
[Come get in this bed before Suguru does. Keep both their minds off of everything except a curse taking up too much space in bed, getting its dusty feet on everything...]
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but it makes satoru laugh, and maybe that's what matters, in this moment? even if it does bring about a pain in suguru's chest, something he ignores as he bends down to tuck his matching slippers (nice) out of sprinkles' line of sight. the last thing he needs is this curse eating what is currently his only pair of shoes...
...and the second-to-last thing suguru needs: satoru stealing all of the blankets before he can so much as sit upright. damn.
except that suguru knows this is a distraction tactic, of sorts. satoru buying himself some time, which is why suguru only sighs as he stands, deciding to address this issue after placing his phone on the table (and patting his pockets, feeling for the charm that is both there and, blessedly, muted by the thick fabric). he, at least, is not a heathen; his phone will not go on the floor.
but the price he pays for his kindness is satoru calling sprinkles onto the bed, which—well, of course the curse hops right up? and into suguru's spot, no less, sniffing under the pillow to see if, like, a tasty piece of human is hidden beneath it. hope is all it has these days... surely one day its tasty treat will come...
there is, however, only so much foolishness suguru can tolerate—and so, as he makes his way back to his side of the bed, he gives sprinkles a look.]
Off.
[which is not strictly necessary; a verbal command is not needed, given that suguru controls this curse's will, but it feels fitting? and sends sprinkles scurrying into satoru's space, stomping all over his legs. enjoy that, you cocoon of a man, but also:]
This isn't your bed, [suguru says, holding out a hand in an expectant manner,] and those aren't your blankets. Stop being selfish.
[this is (tired) dad mode.]
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And only so many blankets! But Suguru has the right of it; Satoru is employing a distraction tactic, and the time for such antics is swiftly running out, especially considering Suguru's tone and that hand hovering expectantly beside him.]
But I'm cold.
[A pathetic protest, coupled with an equally pathetic sniffle as Satoru grabs a handful of blanket and thrusts it behind him, blindly seeking Suguru's hand since his back is now to him.
He's cold, and he's not ready for this yet, and neither is Suguru, if that brief pang of pain that Satoru felt a few moments ago is anything to go by. But they've now reached the point where no amount of whining or curse involvement will delay what they need to do. So he gives in, handing over then blankets, then doing his best to shift to the edge of the bed, attempting to give Suguru distance.
And surely Satoru should just close his eyes as Suguru settles in bed. Surely, he knows better than to indulge his desire to chat before sleep, because figurative distance is as important as literal distance.
But he is, regrettably, still himself and thus:]
I was in the woods when you texted.
[Pillow talk...he can't help it.]
Took care of a few monsters.
[This car is dangerous, and maybe that's what he wants to talk about. Or maybe he's looking for some insight into what Suguru has been doing with his time.
Or it could be that Satoru is a glutton for punishment, and just doesn't know when to stop.
Or: all of the above.]
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that's how children are; that's how people are. suguru has always understood this, on some level, which is perhaps why he managed to befriend satoru all those years ago? others wrote satoru off as an annoyance, a lost cause; suguru saw the person beneath the act and realized: oh. so this is how satoru deals with it all.
and this is how satoru deals with—well, with this: by curling into a ball, silent and still. there are, suguru supposes, worse ways to handle this.
but that doesn't make crawling into bed, tugging the blankets over him as he does so, any easier. silence should be a blessing; it feels rather like a curse in this moment, something weighing down his limbs as he gingerly rolls onto his side, his back facing satoru. a necessity—as well as a small comfort, he hopes. a small comfort.
one that is matched, surprisingly enough, by satoru's voice? it shouldn't be a surprise; it very much is, hence the slight delay before suguru offers a quiet:]
Oh?
[which isn't enough; to leave satoru hanging like this would bring an end to this strange comfort, but suguru still takes a moment to shift, pulling the edge of the blanket that much higher. if he concentrates—if he's left alone in silence for too long—he can feel the warm of satoru's calf, so very close to his feet.]
The villagers will be grateful. They haven't had much luck taking care of them on their own. [hmm—] They say there are too many of them in the woods.
[or: suguru spent his day milling about, charming people, birds, and bears into offering him information about their home. he was personable and polite, once; he still can be, when the need arises.]
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He remembers a lot.
He does not remember the last time he and Suguru shared one of their beds, in their space, before Suguru left the school.
It should be a relief, to be spared the burden of a final memory as he lies in Suguru's bed once more. It should be nice, to be given this break, a pause in the endless considerations of how things once were. This is a reprieve: Satoru can shut his eyes and listen to Suguru intone that quiet Oh? without thinking of finalities.
Yet, as he counts the breaths between that single utterance and the statements that he nearly thinks won't follow, the knowledge that he can't remember something so trivial, yet so important, settles in his chest as an ache.
It must have been an inconsequential morning. They must have woken up together in a blur. Satoru was probably late, having snoozed too long, and he probably had to leave in a rush. Maybe Suguru was already long out of bed before Satoru decided to greet the day. Maybe that's why the memory failed to stick.
There are many moments that Satoru failed to understand were important while they were happening. He didn't realize the fleeting nature of significance — the way hindsight would color that which seemed trifling at the time. He didn't realize that Suguru himself was temporary, contingent, as fleeting as all the small details that Satoru would retrace in his mind long after he left — and then long after his death.
Satoru is spared the pain of a final moment that he didn't realize was part of their ending — and that in and of itself is painful. It feels like a loss. It has Satoru wondering: Does Suguru remember? He was always better at slowing down and recognizing moments for what they were, whereas Satoru shoved himself from moment to moment with forward momentum.
(Except for moments like these: when he slowed down to listen to Suguru breathe in and out, when he waited for Suguru's words, when he reached across the gap of mattress between them to clutch Suguru's shirt — to hold him close.)
Now Suguru lies beside him, facing the other way, an impossible distance stretched between them, and Satoru thinks that this too will lead to an end: of their discussion, of Satoru's attempt to converse, and of Suguru's unspoken reply.
But Suguru speaks. Satoru exhales. He closes his eyes and thinks about the slope of Suguru's shoulder, the loose strands of his hair settled across his pillow, the way that Suguru offers what Satoru is seeking. Satoru thinks about Suguru going from villager to villager, gathering information. It reminds him of a time long ago, when he and Suguru would travel to the countryside to exorcise curses, and Suguru would ward off villagers' concerns with a smile and a polite word. He was always better at that than Satoru.]
There're a lot.
[Punctuated by a yawn, Satoru marginally relaxes as he speaks. The conversation eases him in loosening his limbs — still curled, but less defensively, soothed by this talk into accepting the shared bed — and Suguru's proximity.
Satoru could take care of most, if not all of the monsters, if given endless time and cursed energy, but he has neither of those things at his disposal. He has other concerns on his mind, other threats to consider.]
But they've got bigger problems.
[And this is partially why Satoru spent the day in the woods, instead of lingering in town. There are very few things that Satoru can't fight. Give him curses, monsters, and creatures en masse, and he'll emerge victorious. But give him an illness, and Satoru is useless. He never could heal others, and now he can't even heal himself. A plague is an opponent that doesn't respond to power or strength.
He glances over his shoulder, just barely. The motion doesn't grant him sight of Suguru; it serves more as a gesture.]
What do you think we're supposed to be doing?
[What is the objective that seems not to exist? Satoru hasn't paid the objectives much mind up until now, focused as he's been on other matters, but this is one car that warrants a swift exit.]
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(which is why he should simply ask what satoru is thinking? offer satoru a chance to—well. it doesn't matter. once, perhaps, satoru may have provided a flippant answer, attempting to deflect before ultimately allowing suguru in; now, however, satoru will almost assuredly keep suguru out, and for good reason. it's safer this way.)
but satoru once again chooses to speak—and suguru thinks of nanako mumbling his name just before he closed the door, of mimiko sidling up to him to curl her fingers around a few of his. little gestures; little ways to ask for—to admit—what is needed.
what do you think we're supposed to be doing?
not this, suguru is sure. anything but this—and yet he hums all the same, replacing thoughts of satoru with thoughts of nervous villagers. of course he'd wandered by the clinic while exploring the village; he'd spoken, albeit briefly, with a bear reeking of alcohol, lending a sympathetic ear as the bear bemoaned the rising number of patients. monsters on one front, illness on the other—and somewhere in the middle, whispers of dead bodies disappearing in the dead of night. there's a puzzle here, which means the true question should be: is this their puzzle to piece together?
the answer, so far as suguru can tell, is obvious—which is one reason he should respond with a single word: sleeping. end this conversation here; ensure they're both in top form come the morning, when they head back into the world to deal with whatever is thrown their way—and yet.]
Solving them.
[the bed is spacious for one, somewhat cramped for two; suguru shifting over to lay flat on his back means that his shoulder just barely brushes satoru's back, but he does his best to ignore it, focusing instead on the darkness above them—and then, as he catches sight of it from the corner of his eye, the pale glow at the nape of satoru's neck. numbers, barely peeking over the collar of his ridiculous top and further obscured by his messy, messy hair, but—ah.
quietly, then, as suguru turns his head before he can think better of it:]
...So yours are blue.
[fitting! and also very eloquent, suguru.]
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It was a little easier for Satoru to speak candidly under the cover the darkness back then. He'd offer his flippant but lackluster attempts to change difficult subjects, and then whisper his admittances: I'm tired or I've got a headache or even Do your injuries still hurt? betraying a concern he once tried to hide from Suguru. Now, a similar confession rises to the surface: a statement about how there are already enough problems on his plate — a comment about how he hasn't been able to pick up on Sukuna's energy since they entered this car, a concern about the illness and the threats of future cars, and even more than all of those, a sense of displacement as he lies here and feels immersed in the risk that Suguru provides. Satoru takes everything in stride, but sometimes his good humor wavers — and Suguru is the only one who he allowed to truly see that.
Honesty means confessing that he's worried about what they're doing right this moment. Suguru is so close, Satoru feels the heat of his shoulder along his back. It means showing Suguru the pieces of himself he's kept locked away.
It means reaching out, when he feels he should.
Satoru nearly turns over. He nearly opens his mouth. But then Suguru speaks, and the moment is interrupted. Satoru has to think for a moment to realize what the comment references; he hasn't seen his own number, nor has he paid it much mind, considering it yet another gift from a higher-up for whom he holds no respect.
When it dawns on him, he considers the number in a new light. Lying together like this, Suguru's words feel strangely intimate, as though they're speaking about something deeply personal — something that Satoru should have kept hidden. He thinks about Sylvain's reluctance to show his number, and wonders if he might have been on to something.
Instead of attempting to cross the distance, Satoru raises his hand and frees it of the covers to run his fingers along the nape of his neck. Then he brushes his hair up, attempting to hold it out of the way, though the number remains hidden by his collar.]
Someone told me it was 404.
[When he first arrived, but that was weeks ago, and Satoru had no reason to trust him and no way of confirming. Now, the number reads 413 and while they have this conversation, it ticks upward, to 421.]
Is it?
[For the first time, he truly considers the significance of the numbers, and wonders about Suguru's — where it might be and what it might mean for him. And for them both.]
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...he has a guess. a few of them, actually, but he keeps them to himself, watching satoru slip a hand to the back of his neck. long, thin fingers, skimming the very top of his brand before sweeping his hair up as best he can. there's nothing special about it, really; it's a purely practical gesture, and yet suguru feels an echo of an emotion he doesn't wish to acknowledge? the sudden urge to follow along in the wake of satoru's fingers; to touch the sensitive stretch of skin he'd so often kissed.
but that's—it's a fleeting fancy, something suguru does his best to dismiss as he squints at the very tops of the numbers. a four to start with, but as for the rest—
—the smart thing, perhaps, would be to say that he isn't sure, that he can't see. simple and sensible. it would be recoverable—but suguru is lifting a hand before satoru asks that which should remain unspoken, telling himself that it's the number drawing his attention. only the number.]
Hold still.
[little more than a murmur, really, as he hooks his pointer finger into satoru's collar, drawing it far enough down to expose the number in full—and there's no helping the slight contact. the light brush of skin against skin is as inevitable the the odd thrill it provides, but it's mitigated, somewhat, by the sight of satoru's number ticking a tad higher. was it satoru's mess of emotions, was it suguru's touch—
one thing at a time.]
421, [he says at last, still quiet as he watches for further changes—and then, because he can't quite help himself:] How many people have you shown this to?
[it's the thought of someone touching satoru like this, albeit briefly; it shouldn't matter, but it somehow does.]
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Satoru exhales slowly, as if sighing too hard might disrupt this moment that they shouldn't have allowed to pass. A prickling sensation travels up his spine, though whether it's a direct response to that unnamed emotion or an anticipation of what could follow such a light, unobtrusive touch, Satoru isn't sure. It prompts him toward some kind of action — a warning that incites him to drop his hair and his hand, say something stupid to deflect Suguru's attention, or turn over and demand to see Suguru's, a number for a number.
The desire to seek more. The desire to pull away. Two simultaneous compulsions that end up feeling the same — both impulses that Satoru ignores in favor of lying exactly as he is, listening to Suguru's voice.
421, and Satoru keeps holding still.
And then Suguru's question, which should be trivial. Which is trivial, because what does it matter? They don't know what the numbers represent, and even if they did, they're hardly meant to be secret. Most people have them in conspicuous places, and have no say in showing them off.
And yet his is hidden. Suguru's is hidden. It occurs to Satoru that they should stay that way — not from the train at large, but maybe from each other. Because regardless of the meaning, isn't this another piece of himself that he has essentially handed over? Another piece of insight, however vague, however minimal, to be twisted into a weapon at the end of this path they walk together?
Satoru chuckles. The sound is breathy, as quiet as Suguru's words.]
Too many.
[Now, he means. As of this very moment.
But he has sworn to be honest, and even as he speaks flippantly, he feels the way his cursed energy mingles with Suguru's. Their proximity makes the bond seem that much stronger, looming over him, a promise and a threat in one.
So he elaborates.]
Two, and now you.
[No one touched him, though, a thought he keeps to himself. Satoru doesn't let anyone in.
Except — this. Except Suguru, with his soft touches that should, but fail to, feel like warnings.]
Why? Were you keeping yours secret?
[In retrospect, that is the smarter choice; and now, Satoru wonders if he will receive nothing in exchange for giving Suguru something that suddenly feels deeply personal — a touch, a number, and confession, all in one.]
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but the undeniable truth is that touching satoru is a privilege, of sorts. one that suguru does not necessarily deserve; one that suguru has been granted frequently, as of late. he wonders if he's growing accustomed to it.
(he isn't. each touch is a shock; even now, this brief point of contact—warm skin pressed against the back of a single finger—is something suguru is both wary and absurdly appreciative of.)
satoru's number, however, remains stable as he speaks; there isn't so much as a single flicker—and suguru knows this to be his sign to pull away. his own curiosity is (somewhat) sated, and satoru's question is answered; to linger is to take advantage, to take this a step too far, because he wasn't invited in to make himself at home.
but it's—what? the novelty of being the third as opposed to the first? which is as stupid as it is unfair, suguru knows, and yet, as he releases his hold on satoru's collar, he can't quite help himself; he feels the need to bring his fingers to satoru's number, simply to press them, lightly, against the digits that could mean anything at all. maybe he's the first to do this.
well, again: which is as stupid as it is unfair, hence his barely audible, barely amused puff of breath as he finally pulls away. pfh. now who's the rude one? now who's the problem-causer.]
From you?
[is that the real question? his tone implies, but as that is a fair thing to ask of him:]
It hasn't come up. No one has asked, and I haven't offered. [because no one needs to know more about him than is absolutely necessary, but before satoru can say so much as a single word:] Do you remember the largest number you've seen?
[there's clear rustling behind satoru? the sound, perhaps, of someone pulling their arms free from the covers and maybe, just maybe, pushing up a sleeve—if satoru decides it's worth rolling over for.
(and if he does, in large, orange numbers trailing down suguru's forearm: 60138.]
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Suguru's fingers are fleeting. They apply light pressure. And yet they sear into his skin. They have the distinct effect of making him feel cut open, exposed — everything he's attempted to bury drawn forth into the open.
(If Satoru expected the press of Suguru's fingers — if he knew that Suguru would reach out on his own, seizing more than he was offered, not unlike when Satoru intertwined their fingers and took what Suguru did not want to give — what would he have done? Activated his Infinity, to shut Suguru out? Jerked away? Pressed back, the equivalent of Suguru clutching his hand, and asked: Do you think this is long enough?
No. Of course not. Satoru has never sought to hurt Suguru. For all his picking at their wounds, he never intended to reopen them. Suguru is bleeding out an emotion that is dangerous, foolish to indulge, clouding his judgement — but Satoru will not make him stare at the damage. He will not double down and force Suguru to feel as he felt when Suguru clenched his hand.
He'll try to staunch the flow.)
When Suguru pulls back his hand, Satoru releases his hair. He wants to rub his numbers, to ease the impact, to mimic Suguru's touch. He holds back, even as Suguru asks his pointed For you? — even as his numbers burn.]
Yeah. 846. On a robot with no arms or legs.
[The only reason he remembers is because he carried the robot around for a little while, staring at it. He hadn't realized the number was high at the time — nor was he aware of his own number at that point — but it still made an impression.]
It had a big mouth though.
[Or whatever the robot equivalent of a voice box is. It babbled a lot.
Satoru says all of this without turning around. He is attempting to settle himself — settle Suguru — before he does so. Staunching the flow with nonsense.
Finally, he rolls onto his back and looks up at the ceiling. In the corner of his eye, he sees an orange blur. It's only right for Satoru to face Suguru in full — to take what Suguru is offering, after Suguru just took so much from him. He should roll over and touch those numbers — which must be higher than 421, given Suguru's question. He should press his fingers into them, and return the favor.
But Satoru thinks about their two hands, forced together. He finds his ring with his fingertips and gives it a twist.
He says:]
You don't have to show me.
[They're just numbers, currently meaningless. They have no bearing on their vow, nor do they affect their partnership. Suguru can keep this secret. Satoru can keep himself reined in. They can refrain from taking more, when they should be focused on taking less.
Satoru drapes his arm over his eyes, blocking out the glow of Suguru's numbers, shielding himself from the sight of his cursed energy.]
They probably stand for something stupid, like —
[Every conclusion that springs to mind would lead to Satoru having a higher number: how many people you annoyed, how many times you forgot to brush your teeth, how many times you died playing video games —
How many people you killed, Satoru thinks. How many lives you ruined. How many bad things you've done throughout your life.]
— how many times you've said please or thank you.
[He finishes the statement lamely, losing steam by the end, weighed down by new considerations.]